Don't feel like a wife...

I'd probably seek counseling. As a couple or an individual. From what it sounds like (I could totally be wrong, just going off of the little info you posted) it sounds like you don't really view yourselves as a team or him fully as your partner. It's normal to want to do things alone or go out with your friends, but it sounds like money is a big thing you guys aren't on the same page with. Or maybe you don't have the same financial goals. I'm not a professional in any way, but I don't think its healthy to not even view yourself as his wife, or not recognizing "Mrs. Blank" because to me that says you don't see yourselves as a social unit. I also don't think it's healthy to not totally care about what he does, etc. just going off of the language you used. I'd definitely try to talk to some sort of professional about all of this.

I wonder if your feelings about your husband peppered how disappointed you were in your wedding day or visa versa.

That being said, agree with PP. Honestly, when you said you "care" about your H I kinda cringed. It was like you were just trying to be nice.... You need to figure out if this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and maybe therapy/counseling can help that.

I'm not married yet, so my advice probably isn't beneficial.

But, I kind of get it. I mean, there's this huge deal made about weddings, and marriage, but for a lot of people, nothing changes except their partnership is now legally binding. I live with my FH and I've had worries that nothing will change (and I've also had worries that things WILL change, so I'm all over the place haha). But what I'm getting at is that I don't think marriage magically makes any relationship better.

Not all couples pool finances, and not all couples are lovey dovey 24/7 but there are some things about what you said that stand out to me. I know way too many marriages that have been brought down by finances, and it seems you're aware of that. But even if you keep your finances separate, eventually, there will be times when one partner's fiscal irresponsibility affects the other. He should definitely get a handle on his spending now, before it's too late.

Also, it's okay to admit that you need to have your own space. And maybe you do need that. I enjoy my life with my FH a lot more when I have time, even if it's just a little bit, for myself. Needing independence is normal. The more concerning part to me is when you said you don't care where he goes/what he does. It's a slippery slope going from not caring, to not even thinking about your partner. This isn't meant to be finger wagging, by the way, but I do think that maybe some therapy could be a great option. You and your husband probably have completely different ideas of what makes you happy, that isn't a bad thing, but everyone should have their feelings out on the table. You can't figure out what's wrong without knowing how everyone feels, yknow?

Good luck, I'm routing for your happiness!

I recommend you seek out couple’s therapy. You should never feel like he’s your entire social life unless you want it that way. I enjoy the set up I have with my FH. I see him about 3-4 days a week and it will be like that for our first year of marriage!

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It's kind of hard when you live together.

I think the money issue is really bothering you more than you let on, and you may be starting to hold some resentment towards that and that’s probably why you don’t want to see him so much. This is what I am getting from your post. I think you two need to get counseling if talking to him doesn’t work. He really should be consulting you before making any big purchases, because now it’s not just about him. It seems like you don’t feel like you are a team with him.

I would try couples counseling.

What is preventing you from going out and socializing with your friends without him? It's 100% fine and healthy to spend time with other people and to have meaningful relationships with other people besides your husband. Do you feel like he prevents you from doing so, or is it more of a time management issue? I think most people would be tired of being with their spouses if that's the only person that they spent any time with.

People handle finances differently. There's no real need to intermingle your money if you don't want to. My mom and stepdad have individual accounts, split the bills 50/50 and have no arguments over money. I don't think that says anything about your marriage.

I think the level of change that happens in your relationship after the wedding varies from couple to couple. If you didn't live together before the wedding and have never paid a bill together, of course that's going to be a dramatic change. If you lived together, signed some paperwork and threw a big party, and don't feel any different, well...that's okay too. Change isn't always positive. If you were happy before the wedding and you're happy that you committed to spending your life with this man, there's no need for change. It sounds like you have a real need for some couples/individual counseling to figure out if this is what you really want.

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It's his money that he has earned. If he wants to spend it, who am I to say no? I've told him he needs to cut back, even offered to help him with his finances/budgeting. He always says Yes that'd be great but every time I bring it up he has an excuse.

It sounds like maybe the "honeymoon phase" wore off, and y'all are getting adjusted to married life. Honestly, they say that statistically the first year of marriage is the hardest (don't know how true that is or not). In my opinion, couples counseling would be a great option to work through these feelings. Did y'all do pre-marital counseling? Me and FH are signed up for our pre-marital counseling, and I am excited. We already live together, and have children, but there are still some "issues" that we could definitely use help working through.

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He constantly calls or texts me asking when I am coming home, why is it taking so long, etc. He never did this throughout our entire dating/engagement period. I don't understand why he does it now.

It sounds like the two of you need counseling. Obviously you need a social life outside of your marriage, but you make it sound like a chore to go home to your husband and that shouldn’t be true either.

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I like to know where my FW is and when I can expect her home as well. I don't see that is an issue at all. If he's constantly blowing your phone up and upset that you're out with friends, it sounds like it might be a trust issue. All the more reason to seek counseling.

We decided before marriage having separate accounts would be best because I am a "Penny Pincher" to so speak and he's a "Big Spender". Therefore, the other was allowed to do with their money whatever they so please. However, I am in the point in my life I am out of debt, so I can begin placing more of my $ into savings, retirement/401K, and traveling. He however, is still in debt ( which he withheld from me prior to our wedding), and is fine with never retiring. I have always wanted to travel, and I know that takes a lot of planning, money, and time. That's why I started early.

I'm no expert but yeah this sounds like something that needs to be talked out with a couples counselor.

Where would I find a couples counselor? Isn't that usually expensive?

View Quoted Comment I would use google to find counselor’s in your area. Some counselors that do individual therapy also do couples/family counseling. Some work on a sliding scale so you pay according to your income. Some also do payment plans. They’re all very upfront about costs though (at least in my experience) so I would just ask.

This post was a bit of a roller coaster for me— some things I was SO on board with, like “yes, me too! So normal!” and other things felt alarming, especially as the comments developed. I DO think that couples’ counseling sounds like a great move— I think it is beneficial to everyone , but especially in your case where it seems that you two have different goals financially, a counselor could help you figure out ways to navigate that together that can hopefully find a shared middle ground for savings and future planning. I think it could definitely be a super helpful move.

To some extent, a lot of this is normal with modern marriages. We get married often a little later in the game, and are our own established adults first. I got married 6 months ago and still have moments of “whoa wait— im married ?!” — nothing in our day to day lives changed: we bought our home together 2 years before our wedding. So, not only
did we already live together, our living expenses (AND saving habits) were already completely intertwined. Socially, we’re still our
own selves— we do a lot together even with friends, and we’re kind of homebodies and often prefer snuggling on the couch to going out, but, again— no change before or after marriage. It’s also important to both of us that we still have just our own social time : we’re both “allowed” to go out with only our friends if we want, and we both respect that opportunity. We’re not crazy about having separate time, but, I’ll still make dinner plans with just the girls and not include him from time to time, or he’ll have a game day with his friends. This occasional separation is normal, and healthy.
Again, stuff that we had discussed previously, and lived a long time before getting married, and hasn’t changed. So, when people ask me how married life is, though i LOVE it, I shrug and say “exactly the same as unmarried life” — so, that’s not crazy.

But, some of the other comments— like, I do care where he goes and what he does and what he spends money on. We’re a unit, so, all of that stuff effects both of us. ...especially finances when it comes to things like retirement & investments. WE just had a lengthy debate about how much of HIS bonus to put directly into retirement— as that’s for our mutual future , so I think it’s tremendously important to find some middle ground financiallly. We do operate largely with our own money from our own accounts instead of pooling into one account (we do have a joint account but don’t use it for day to day) BUT we still consider ourselves one singular financial entity (what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine). Ultra relevant at tax time as the IRS also sees us that way— one return, and one shared refund.

i did change my name but am a bit dissociated from the new name and don’t think of myself immediately at Mrs newname. But, that’s partly because my new name is a pain, partly because my old name I had for 32 years, and truly mostly because I don’t really need to use a last name much — it’s kind of like adjusting to writing the date after the new year — the more you do it the more you get used to it , but I don’t write it very much and am still writing 2018. Because I don’t feel like who I am changed, sometimes it’s easy too forget that my last name did. BUT, despite that, I’m still excited by the novelty. A little weirded out from time to time, but happy and excited about it, because — I’m happy and excited to feel like a FAMILY. And since the day to day is all the same, it’s the little things like hearing “Mrs X” that feel exciting.

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Then this is something that you should have discussed before deciding to spend the rest of your lives together. Yes, counselors can be expensive, but your marriage should be worth it. You can also look into your insurance to see if it would be covered.

View Quoted Comment It's cheaper than a divorce...