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Kayla

Sibling (not close) Wedding Gift Etiquette

Kayla, on June 16, 2019 at 11:17 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 19

Hello, My partner and I will be attending sister’s wedding in a few weeks. She dated/got engaged within a year and we have only met the fiance twice. We’ve lived together for 8 years now but aren’t married. I’m 26 years old and self-employed and my partner is currently unemployed. We just moved into our first house 2 weeks ago with lots of moving expenses. We both aren’t close to his sister at all. She is spoiled, never had a job, doesn’t understand the value of money and makes no effort to have a relationship with us. (She hasn’t texted her brother in several months; not even to ask about the move.) She also isn’t paying for the expensive wedding at all (not one cent). Her widowed mother is paying for everything.

My partner’s mother just texted him saying his sister wants us to get her a specific set of pots and pans (around 215$ value) for her wedding. I come from a small town, with middle-lower income families. Gifts were never expected and if there was any gifts, it was small and sentimental. We already have to travel a couple hours for the wedding and I have to buy a specific conservative dress (religious ceremony).

We are attending the wedding by obligation and this whole gift situation doesn’t seem right to me. I can’t believe she would feel entitled to ask for a specific gift. I was planning on just giving a card and that’s it (not sure what my partner had in mind). We both can’t stand her entitled attitude to be honest… I’d love to hear some thoughts or opinions?

19 Comments

Latest activity by Stephanie, on June 20, 2019 at 7:24 PM
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    Having a registry is one thing. Telling each person what to give is way too much.
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  • Mary
    Devoted November 2019
    Mary ·
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    It’s not a requirement to buy exactly what the bride wants. Politely decline and explain your situation. If she is mad about that, then that isn’t your problem. Go to the wedding with what you had in mind and let bygones be bygones!
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  • Cassy
    Devoted September 2021
    Cassy ·
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    I personally would never go to a wedding without giving a gift, but it’s also very rude to ask for a specific gift. I’d give what i could afford.
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  • Lynne
    Super August 2022
    Lynne ·
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    That is a bit much on her part.
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  • K
    Just Said Yes September 2019
    Kayla ·
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    This seems like you need to take a deep breath. It isn’t your relationship or responsibility. Just get her what you want to get her. I personally am getting married after a year of knowing my fiancé and we are very in love and know what to expect because of premarital counseling. His sister and husband waited a decade. What I’m trying to say is people move at there own pace and kohl’s has nice inexpensive dresses, religious ceremonies don’t usually mean wear Michael Korrs
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  • Heather
    Expert October 2019
    Heather ·
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    I’d just say thanks for the idea, but we’ve already got her gift set. For weddings I usually give a card with some money. The gift item I give for the bridal shower.
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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    Well, when it comes to her not texting him in months, that goes both ways. Has he texted her? When it comes to her requesting a certain gift, that is just ridiculous! Especially it being an expensive gift like that. How does your partner feel about it? If it were me, I'd probably respond with something like "Sorry, but that gift is above our means, and we will not be able to fulfill her request." Then leave it at that.

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  • Cara
    Expert July 2019
    Cara ·
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    I definitely think it’s inappropriate to ask for a certain gift. She can have a registry but she cannot dictate what people actually get her. With that being said i would take some form of gift. Even if you are not close with her you were still invited and she is paying for you to attend. If you can’t afford to travel, purchase a new dress, etc. that is an understandable reason to decline the invite but if you are attending you should take some sort of gift, even something small.
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  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·
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    I think it’s inappropriate to ask for a certain gift, but I never go to weddings without a gift. If I know the person & go to their shower I buy them a physical gift (usually of their registry), and then when I go to the wedding I give them a cash amount of $120 pp (this is the typical ant of weddings in my area - and I pay for my head). If I’m not invited to the shower I do not give a physical gift, but I still give the cash gift of $120 pp on the day of the wedding.
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  • Kayla
    Kayla ·
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    I like that idea. And yes, my partner has texted her a few times and he said he never hears back from her. He is also quite upset about the demand and is planning to let his mother know that it is innappropriate.
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  • Kayla
    Kayla ·
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    Thank you, I wish I didn’t have to attend. You’re right, I’ll try to find something small. Since the mother of the bride is actually paying for everything, shouldn’t she be receiving a gift instead? I’ve also overheard the bride talking to her sister about which guests she invited will probably give the best gifts. The whole thing just seems innappropriate.
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  • Cara
    Expert July 2019
    Cara ·
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    That’s absolutely inappropriate, but that reflects poorly on her. Best just to do the right thing and get the couple something small so you know you’re in the right.
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  • Jennifer
    VIP August 2021
    Jennifer ·
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    Yeah this bride is a bit too extra haha. Just get what you feel is appropriate! It's not her place to demand what each guest gets for her.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    I'd just have your fiance tell his mother you can't afford it, you'll be getting whatever on the registry you want and that you can afford.

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  • C
    May 2021
    Catherine ·
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    I agree with this

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  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
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    It's definitely rude to ask for a gift. I'd have your husband politely decline and say he had something else in mind. Maybe a more budget friendly set of plans.
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  • Grace
    Dedicated December 2019
    Grace ·
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    Well ask your SO what he's comfortable with, because it's HIS sister, but if he isn't onboard with pots and pans either, get her whatever you can afford with a nice card. Then if there's any fuss, say you figured it was a suggestion to get her those pots and pans since everyone knows you guys just moved and are trying to catch up on your finances. It'll be hard for them to argue after that.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Rockstar March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Totally rude. It’s up to your partner if he’d like to address it or not with his mom, but I would chat with him & get a nice card along with a very small gift that you both agree with in terms of price.

    He could ask his sister if she’s registered and where. Then get her something cheap from her registry or something else if she’s only registered for expensive items. If she asks for the $200+ pots & pans, he can reply, “No, we’re not doing that that.” You don’t need to explain why. None of her beeswax.
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  • Stephanie
    Devoted November 2021
    Stephanie ·
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    Exactly this. I would not attend a wedding without giving a gift but I would not purchase anything at the request of the bride and groom either. That seems really rude. I’d gift what I could afford and call it a day.
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