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Hayli
Beginner August 2019

Wedding drama already?!?!

Hayli, on December 1, 2018 at 12:32 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 41

Hey all! So I just need some perspective from some other brides-to-be or have-been-brides on friendship drama with the wedding. I am the first of my friend group to get married and I think that plays into a lot of the drama. First some background: I got engaged on November, 17th of this year. When I announced my engagement all of my friends were so so excited for me! We set our date for August 3rd, 2019. I was so excited and naturally thought since everyone was excited for our engagement, they would be excited for the wedding.


My best friend (possible bridesmaid) found out and her first reaction was to ask why my wedding was on "top of her birthday" and she just kept asking why I couldn't "let her have her day?" IMPORTANT POINT: her birthday is August 12th. I tried explaining to her why we chose the date and she just said that i wasn't making anything better. I decided to give her space and then she texts me this week to ask why i hadn't reached out to her yet and she also said that if thats the date my FH and I want then "so be it," but when the time comes for her birthday she doesn't want to hear "a damn thing about our honeymoon or wedding." when she tried to apologize she said she would "ignore the fact that she was upset by this" to make my day better (this may sound crazy but i was upset by this comment especially because i don't want her to "ignore" that she was upset, i wanted her to be genuinely happy for me). Now we've tried talking through this but I'm still very hurt and she just wants to drop the whole thing.


I don't know how to ignore this and I know that it's possible I wasn't very sympathetic to her, but am I letting my bride-to-be brain get to me or am I justified in still being hurt? I don't know if i still want her to be a bridesmaid, but i know if i don't choose her as one then thats the nail in the coffin of our friendship. If anyone has something to share from the perspective of the friend that would help too.

41 Comments

Latest activity by Native Dancer, on January 29, 2019 at 4:23 PM
  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    Congratulations 🍾🎉🎊🎈 on your engagement.

    No one is going to be as excited about your wedding as you are; it sucks but it’s true.

    I’d be upset if I were you.
    • Reply
  • Kayla
    September 2020
    Kayla ·
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    Congratulations!! Yes she doesn’t sound like someone who will make your wedding planning easy. Unless she has had to cancel an extravagant birthday trip I don’t understand her issue.
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  • Brittany
    Super October 2019
    Brittany ·
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    To be honest, she sounds like she’s being a major pain! You shouldn’t have to deal with that. In your post you said she’s a possible bridesmaid, so you haven’t asked her yet right? I would consider her actions before asking her. Wedding planning is stressful enough. You don’t need the extra stress.

    I don’t get the whole birthday thing. My future SIL also said something similar when we told her our wedding date (her birthday is 4 days after). I was so annoyed! People can celebrate on their ACTUAL birthday or the weekend after! It’s not that big of a deal!
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  • Sherrie
    Expert August 2019
    Sherrie ·
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    Oh wow that's hard.
    Is this a big birthday with a party for her or something? 21 maybe?
    I'm really surprised by her reaction and feel so bad for you. Wedding dates have a lot that go into them. My bestie's wedding anniversary is a few days before my wedding date and she and her hub are doing an early special honeymoon so she can be my maid of honor, her girls can be my ring barette and flower girls, and her hub will probably usher. I'm surprised by the lack of understand you friend is showing. I assume she isn't married and that she hasn't gone through wedding planning before. She'll understand someday but unfortunately that isn't now. That's super lame.
    Take heart that you are definitely not letting your bride-to-be brain get the best of you. She really needs to display a lot more understanding with this. I don't know how close you two are and how able you're able to talk through the hard stuff of life but it sounds like there is possibly some issue for her personally that might need to be discussed and worked through.
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Rockstar March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    Agree with this. She’s being a little dramatic. But sounds like she’s pouting but willing to try and she’ll want you to make a big deal out of her birthday & not talk about your wedding one bit on her day (that’s fair).

    FYI. Friends can get weird about wedding stuff. Feel free to post all kinds of ideas here but be careful not to overdo wedding talk with friends. Kenisha is right. Nobody is usually as excited as we are about our wedding. Share stuff here anytime!
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  • Hayli
    Beginner August 2019
    Hayli ·
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    It is her 21st. So I understand that she wants her birthday to be a big celebration, I absolutely love birthdays and so I was in no way trying to "take away" her day from her. I want to celebrate her on her birthday.

    But I guess I just wish she would stop comparing her birthday to my wedding. In my eyes they are two completely different things and could never "compete" with each other. I want her to be in the wedding but I don't want to feel like I'm having to walk on eggshells and always make-up for the fact that my wedding is near her birthday.

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  • Hayli
    Beginner August 2019
    Hayli ·
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    To go along with what Pirate & 60s Bride said - why do friends get so weird about wedding stuff? I've heard of more friendships "break-up" over wedding drama than over any other life change (except maybe having babies). The only advice I've read about trying not to cause a friend "break-up" is to not to ask too much of your bridesmaids. I find this funny because I might loose a friend before I've even had the chance to "overload her with burdens." Smiley atonished

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  • Fwbride
    Super July 2024
    Fwbride ·
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    You know what? I think big life changes such as getting engaged and planning a wedding show you who your real friends are. Someone who can’t be happy for you on what’s going to be the biggest day of your life probably isn’t a person who’s going to be in your life long.
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  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
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    My FMIL always tells me to be prepared for friends to start acting crazy and jealous. Weddings do strange things to people.
    Your friend seems to be in that group of people showing their true colors. There is plenty of time between your wedding and her birthday (they're both only a day!!!!!). How dare you choose the same month as her birthday!! </sarcasm>
    But for real, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I probably wouldn't choose her for a bridesmaid if shes making this big of a stink about it after you told her the date.
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  • Gabrielle
    Dedicated October 2019
    Gabrielle ·
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    Congratulations on the engagement! I too am learning that no one is as excited as you lol She’s being very extra. There’s a lot of time between the two.
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  • MissSoonToBe
    Expert May 2020
    MissSoonToBe ·
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    This is YOUR DAY! Many will not be as TRULY happy as you and your FH will be! Now with that being said you don’t want or you will need to try to limit negativity throughout the wedding process as well as the ceremony and reception! Think long and hard about this decision, because it’s life changing!

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  • M
    Super November 2019
    Melissa ·
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    Sounds like your friend is jealous that the spotlight wont be on her in August. Its childish that shes acting this way, and it's not like your wedding is on her birthday lol. Honestly, I would leave her alone. Let her come to her senses. I wouldn't recommend putting her in the bridal party because it sounds like she wouldn't be helpful and more problems will happen along the way. Good luck.
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  • Victoria
    VIP October 2018
    Victoria ·
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    I would be annoyed but you said she wants to drop it so drop it.
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  • Taylor
    Expert March 2019
    Taylor ·
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    I’m sorry, but if your friend is acting like this now, take it as a sign. She should be genuinely happy for you. Her birthday is one day!! 3 days after your wedding at that!! Sounds like she’s thinking of herself which is very selfish of her. When it comes to wedding planning, it’s kind of impossible to pick a date that doesn’t clash with something! Seriosly. No matter what date you pick, im sure someone else’s birthday will be near or not far behind.... Hell I wasn’t a bridesmaid, but one of my good friends from school got married on my actual bday. I was right there on my bday so happy and celebrating with her. I will have many more bdays. And so will your friend. I would really re-evaluate the friendship. Because when someone is genuinely happy for you, they will put themselves aside.
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  • Tracy
    Super January 2019
    Tracy ·
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    Yikes. Do NOT make this one a bridesmaid! Smiley winking

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Rockstar March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    So true. My hubby & I kept a lot of details to ourselves because we wanted to surprise guests, so that helped avoid some drama I think (or criticism). But 1 of 4 of us friends dropped out of our group, it probably wasn’t just my wedding (1 friend got a new job, 1 moved in with her boyfriend) so she might have felt left behind in life or something. She started ditching our get togethers & said we was out of town for my wedding reception (she had Save Date for 6+ months). Said she wanted registry info but never sent a gift; nobody has heard or seen her. So silly, we’re all 40’s+ and grownups, right? 🤔
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  • Marieke
    Expert June 2019
    Marieke ·
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    They are two completely different things!!!! You have every right to be upset by her actions and what she’s said to you. Honesty if you haven’t asked yet, I wouldn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. Then she can focus on her birthday and you can focus on your wedding. Sounds like it’ll be easier for both of you for her to be a guest.
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  • Jessica
    Devoted December 2018
    Jessica ·
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    My birthday is on my future in law's wedding anniversary. When we were picking dates, we picked FMIL's birthday without even paying attention to it. She celebrates two birthdays (different story, different day) and our wedding date isn't the one she goes all out for, so we spaced. We all think it's funny and love it!

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  • F
    VIP August 2019
    Futuremrsk ·
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    First, congrats on your engagement!!!

    Second, this friend sounds like drama to the extreme! Her bday is a good week PAST your wedding and the 2 have nothing to do with each other. You get 1 wedding day, she gets 1 day for her birthday. I understand that 21 is a big birthday for most people and she will want to celebrate, probably in a big way! But the fact that she is being so dramatic over it speaks volumes about her. I would tread lightly and definitely really think before adding her to your bridal party. If she is already this concerned over the date you chose, what else will she speak out about if you make her a part of the wedding.

    We accieently chose the same wedding date as a guest of ours. It is my dance studio owners anniversary as well, and our wedding will be her 5th anniversary! When we picked the date I had completely spaced, I'm horrible at remembering dates. When she mentioned it, I asked her if she minded and she said "I couldnt imagine a better way to celebrate my anniversary than seeing one of my dancers get married"
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  • Alyssa
    Master December 2019
    Alyssa ·
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    It’s up to you

    You’re definitely entitled to feel however you feel

    no one will be as excited as you but I would not include people who cannot be happy for me

    i don’t value one way friendships

    if you do then you have to realize her tune may or may not change so you may be giving yourself extra stress

    i hope you find the right answer for your particular situation

    for me I don’t want any one or any thing to be allowed to bring SO or me down on our wedding day
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